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Depression is not something you can control with medicine or diet or exercise like other things. Sometimes it rears its ugly goddamn head and all you can do is cope with it and do the best you can. And that’s all we can expect from you. And we will love you no matter what. We will love you because of your flaws, not in spite of them. Because they’re what makes you beautiful.

Words always fail me when I need them most. My tongue stumbles over my vowels and consonants. Putting pen to paper seems to be the only way to say what I mean these days and even then the words aren’t adequate.

I really can’t describe how much music means to me.

For most people, music is just something to fill the silence. Something pleasant to play in your car on your way to work.

But for people like me, it’s different.

It is the chill down my spine when a chord progression is particularly strong.

It is the way tears come to my eyes when a lyric hits me hard.

I feel music in my bones.

It is firecrackers and snowflakes, like Christmas in July.

It’s the reason I wake up every morning and remember to breathe.

So never say it’s “just music”.

It has NEVER been “just music” to me.

I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and saw them crying in their bed at night or singing in the shower or humming quietly to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street. And even if they were really weird and had no friends at school, I think, after seeing them at their most vulnerable, you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them.

Last night, I was was laying in bed crying, and my cat came up and laid next to me on the pillow. I put my hand on his side, for comfort, trying to pull myself together. He looked me directly in the eye, put his paw on my chin and we just laid there like that for awhile. It was like he was reassuring me that he’s here, and that together we’ll make it through.

I really don’t know what I’d do without him. <3

Cats >

I adore flying, the whole experience. Running through terminals to get to my plane, sitting next to a stranger and parting as friends, the way my breath catches when the wheels leave the ground and the exhale of relief when they touch down safely at the end. Looking out the window mid flight and realizing that you literally left all of your problems on the ground. Your insecurities, debt, hate, all of it. When I break through the clouds and rise above them, the sun setting them ablaze, I feel…untouchable.

I’m undecided on the subject of fate and destiny and such. On one hand, I’d like to believe that there’s someone out there meant specifically for me, or that my life will end up okay because “that’s fate for ya”, but on the other hand, the idea that my entire life is already planned out, that I have no say in where my life is going is exceedingly depressing.

Outside my window, I can hear trains. There’s a sort of call and reply feel to them. One will chime as if saying hello and another will answer back with the same. It’s sort of reassuring, in a way. That even trains can make peace with their lot.

You know what I miss? Writing letters. No one writes letters anymore, and it’s one of my favorite things to do. Seeing people’s handwriting says something about their character. The way they punctuate their sentences, or the way they don’t. Whether or not they write in all capitals.

Yeah, I miss writing letters.

Everyone in the punk/hardcore/metalcore/etc. scene… we’re family.  A community. I just recently noticed how this makes us so much different from the rest of musical society.  If you listen to any of the bands, go to their shows, you’ll see it.  For a moment, we all relate to the song… we all hold hands, hold our breath, and sing the words with tears in our eyes. For us, it’s more than music. It’s a chance to belong to something more, something bigger than a room full of people listening to the same song. For us, they’re heroes, brothers, best friends. For some of us, they’re the only reason we’re still breathing.  We fall asleep with their words in our heads, and their ideas clutched to our chest like a child’s stuffed animal. We buy the EP’s, go to the local shows, and wear the t-shirts because for us, it’s more than music.

It’s always been more than music. <3

I think it’s beautiful when someone goes after what they want with a single-minded intensity. When they do whatever is necessary to do what they love more than anything else. That’s why it brings me to tears to see a band that I love play live. Seeing someone that overcame every obstacle put in their way just to be there, do that, makes my hands shake. To know, with every fiber of your being, that that is what you’re meant to be doing; every day; for the rest of your life… that is beautiful to me.

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